I hope your ears weren’t formed enough so you didn’t hear me shout, I
hope your feelings weren’t real so you couldn’t feel the doubt and I know your
hands were still so you couldn’t reach out and stop choices that were made like
your opinion didn’t count.
Fireworks hurts as I see them
light the sky, because as I see the colours I think about the colour of your
eyes. Would they have been like your Mum’s or brown like mine? And just like
you my heart has had to die but I think about you every time I hear a baby cry,
or I see a baby smile. I’ll be doing something and I’ll think about your face,
how I’ll never get a chance to teach you how to tie your shoe lace. You have to
make a butterfly like the one your Mum has drawn on her wrist, twist’em round
eachother, pull it through and then that’s it.
Fire works if you want to burn away
the pain that hurts… but the hearts hallways never change, neither do road
names and mind games will always win here, my love is sincere but I have lost
you every day since then and maybe you would be here to hate me if doubt was
more convincing.
I’m not rinsing my hands of decisions during
days of blurred visions, I’ve heard of tough positions and in the moment we
could not decide who listens. Listens to our voices listens to our words that
are just silence from are brain cells, listen to my girl as her silence yells
from her devious smile as she changes for the better from her previous style
but I am not behaving like a man whose number she could dial. But listen to my screams too, remembering the
picture that she drew, unfinished just like you. We’re like movie scenes true,
Valentine Blue, our love grew but ended like we knew it would too.
I would have cradled you in my
arms until you fell to sleep you know. Sat watching you grow just so nobody
hurt you and when you grew I’d be measuring the length of your skirts too or
make sure you always had twenty quid, like my Mum tried to make sure I always
did. I’d have gone hungry like her for you all week if I had to, or weak if had
to. If you fell I’d have been there to catch you, no nightmare that you’d need
to be scared of, the monsters under your bed are already dead I’ve killed them
& in returned the holes in my heart would be gone because you would have
filled them.
And it’s cruel that I’m never
going to see you crawl. Play the fool to make you laugh, give you your first
bath, have the answers to questions that you need to ask. So ask me, ask me
why, ask me why you needed to die. Hearts in love feel pain, nobody can love
your Mum like me again, maybe better but not more or the same. No more of this insane
pain, it’s hurtful and I don’t want to hurt again, we were like Courtney &
Kurt Cobain, beautiful madness turned to beautiful pain, and the jury’s out
they don’t who’s to blame, but I do, and it weren’t you…
Never did I imagine that I would
be so deep into loving details, scary how I began to believe in fairy tales,
bought what hope sells, couldn’t cope when love fails. Death stays with a man,
he wears in his skin, hides heartbreak behind his grin & says every day is
his new beginning. But you are the nettle that doesn’t stop stinging, the
thought that doesn’t stop ringing in my day dreams, the provocation that plots
& schemes to hurt me and to me it seems that you’re the weight on my
shoulders that leans and sees that I’m weak & seek answers to the questions
that I reek of, please just give me a fucking week off, from this mental
torture… I have not bought into the distractions that your Mum has, I’m not
playing happy families with a shield that will block you, I’m not the one who
forgot you.
I was thinking about painting
your room blue, buying your cot too, wiping snot of your nose with my hand when
you said “achoo” and we said “bless you”.
Guess you never going to sneak into our bedroom, this is not the path
that you’ve been led to, writing these words is still fucking with my head too.
But I am willing to bet you… In another world when we were braver in another
time when we were crazier, you would have without doubt been a part of our
fate…the most loved kid in the kingdom or the most loved kid on the estate.
Unfortunately classes go to
classes & obviously glasses to arses but as time passes the only question I
have to ask is… not ready to be answered, and I have mastered pretending not to
care or miss the future I prepared for, so I do ask myself, Why are you scared
for?
This would have been your first
Christmas & you present would have been my favourite present. Just you her
& me underneath the tree & the grief that went before would have
seemed like make believe & finally for once in my life I’d have a chance to
breathe. And every little kid thinks
that they’re Mum & Dad are soul mates, but you would have been one of the
few that were right … and if there was a chance to see you I’d do whatever it
takes, just so I knew you were alright…but instead I’ll stay awake all night
& wonder what you would have been like…
