Valentines Day

The opening line of this piece of writing is going to be ‘My brother is upstairs having sex with his girlfriend’. So if you are of a nervous disposition or reading this while tucking into your Rice Krispies then I apologise now if you choke them up all over your computer screen.

My brother is upstairs having sex with his girlfriend. I’ve just had a vision of myself making a confused face as dust from the ceiling sprinkles on to my head, just before the whole thing comes crashing down on me. Picture it? It’s 2 O’clock in the morning on Valentines Day. I’m sitting here talking to one friend on Facebook, watching the news and cooking sausages. I feel a bit, of what appears to be the ceiling, crumble and softly float and land on my head. I wipe it off. I then put my hand out, and catch some of this floating rubble as it sprinkles down on to my laptop. I make the confused face. I look up. The ceiling caves in and I’m left buried underneath my naked brother and his girlfriend.

This is what I’ve become Ladies and Gentlemen. My younger brother is upstairs having sex, while I’m sitting downstairs holding my sausage watching the news. If my conquests could only see me now. Me, the Alfie of Harrow, sitting down on Valentines Day all alone, not even bothering to try and get some random girl around my house to fornicate with. If the 16 year old me could see the 22 year old me now, he would of definitely beaten me up and put a concoction of toothpaste and beer all over my face while I was out cold. Then topped it off by covering my corpse with Minnie Cheddars and a selection of different flavoured crisps. God I was such a laugh.

It’s either wisdom, or laziness that now prevents me from going out on Valentines Day with anyone but the main person that I want to go out with. Forking out my hard earned money on someone that I’m only being seen in public with because I can’t go out with girl that I want to most. No Thanks. I know what you’re thinking ‘James Gunn can’t get the girl that he wants!!!?’. And you’re right, there must be something wrong… with THEM.

I’m buying into Valentines Day though. It’s a good day. I like dishing out a rose or two every year to put a smile on someone’s face. Nothing wrong with participating in an occasion that’s put aside to celebrate something as nice and beautiful as love. I’m not purchasing into the idea that it’s just a commercial money-maker. Neither am I getting involved in self loathing. ‘Oh I haven’t got a girlfriend, this is the saddest day of the year, someone shoot me in the mouth’. Give me a break.

It’s not ‘I hate my life day’. There’s a scale that goes from Zero to Zero of people who care about your poor me Facebook status. Especially boys, just lay of the gimpy status’s about how Valentines Day is going to be crap. Get off your computer and do something about it. ‘Ohhh Valentines Day is so crap when you’re not in a couple, I’m going to kill myself’. Kill yourself then.

This day doesn’t have to be overlooked just because you’re not going out with someone. It should surely be enjoyed. Get somebody a rose, or a packet of love heart sweets. Give them to anybody you love, a family member or a friend. Let somebody know that you care about them. I’m not going to do that, but it’s an idea for you. I’ve got much better things to do. Like go out clubbing and annoy girls until they have no choice but to get with me. I mean a good annoying though. Not like a rape annoying.

I could babble on about all these cringing people who have a different boyfriend or girlfriend every year and still throw around ‘I Love You’, like it’s a paper aeroplane. Easy to make but when it gets going it comes apart and you start to make a new one. No-one ever rebuilds the one that crashes do they?

We all know those girls who have waited their entire life to have a boyfriend, and as soon as they do they get to work on acting like every other girlfriend that has ever lived. They’ve always wanted the flowers, the attention, to be able to write ’I love you baby’ as their Facebook status. They’ve always wanted to behave like everyone else has done while they have had to stand by and watch. Their time has come to be the girlfriend. So let them.

Or I could annoy myself by talking about all these people in phoney relationships. With boyfriends cheating on girlfriends and girlfriends only going out with boyfriends because they’re lonely and can’t get the person who makes them happiest. Relationships based on sex & not truth and the clichéd couples who do everything that they were once told to do by a book or a couple they once watched live a life. Or the boy that is quite happy to know that his girlfriend doesn’t think he’s the best but he doesn’t care because he’s so in love. Or the girl who feels safe…but never laughs. I won’t talk about them, because they already know who they are.

I’m going to enjoy this day. It’s sunny out. I’m going to buy a rose aswell, like I did in the days when I didn’t take everything so seriously. I might not be brave enough to give it to someone and say ‘here, here’s a rose I bought, but it has more meaning behind it because I like you, and this symbolises my feelings’. But I’ll give it to someone and say ‘here, have this rose, because you’re fit and I want to get with you’. Or ‘here, have this rose, just because, you were around me and I can’t be bothered to hold it anymore, and you look like you would be quite happy walking around with it’. There’s so many reasons in my head right now why I could give someone a rose today, that I’m going to have to go down the road and buy loads of them. Although I have a terrible feeling that I’m going to end up looking like one of those Bulgarian pikeys that bug you outside nightclubs on holiday.